jealousy consumes me...

i hate feeling like this. i hate the way it tears me up. i hate that i can't just be okay at this moment. i hate that i can't decide to get over it.

i am so tired of getting jealous over every new engagement announced. i hate the way i have to look at all of the pictures, like i gain some sort of sick pleasure out of feeling so sorry for myself, knowing that it's something that is out of reach for me.

i have been bothered by that for so long. i have been so consumed by the desire and the need for that security. it truly tears me apart. i just don't think it is taken seriously. i mean, it isn't a crazy fetish. it's a real need that i have. i just wish i would know when it will be filled.

i have been set aside for later so many times, and i think i will eventually disappear. i have been so ignored that i'm beginning to wonder if i will ever be seen. i just want to be rescued and i just want to be saved.

i always seem to feel so alone and so incomplete. unless i'm with you. but you just don't seem to see that. you just don't seem to understand that it's real. i have so many dreams that you leave me, or i lose you, or that i search for you and i never find you. have i really found you though? or is it just an allusion? i begin to wonder. i guess i just don't see the fear in spending everyday at your side. i just doesn't see what could possibly chase you away. i hate every minute that i have to miss you. i don't want to have to miss you. i just wish you would show me that you feel the same...or do you. i wonder. it hurts me...

i hate having to endure hearing about you living your life...without me in it. it hurts so much. it shouldn't, i should just tell you to have fun and trust that you will and that at the end, you will still be mine. but i just can't do it. i just torture myself about not being there, not being with you...

i wish you could show me a little bit of commitment. i wish you would offer a word of a promise that you will always be by my side...or will you? maybe i'm crazy. but then again, maybe i'm not...maybe i'm normal. maybe it isn't that outrageous of a request in the end...just maybe....