"God's plan is not always efficiency. Sometimes it's to kind of wreck your life, in a way that's redemptive, in a way that shows you your need for Him."

This quote was put up by a friend...i keep reading it over and over, not wanting to see the truth in it. but i find it really hard to do...

I think that is exactly where i am at right now. i really don't like life. but i really don't want to do anything about it. Except complain. And maybe find someone to blame...

I just keep saying that i will put forth more effort. but i don't. i say that i will change somethings about the way i act. but i don't. i guess i don't really know what i need, but i don't even bother to look.

i know what i need to do. i need to turn back to the arms that are always outstreched, whether i deserve it or not. but i just can't do it. maybe i'm too proud. maybe i am embarrassed at what i have become. but i think i need to realize that it doesn't even matter. He expected me to screw up. Not so that he could reject me, but rather, for the very opposite. So that he could take me back again. So that i could once again feel the unconditional love that i can find no where else.

Sounds easy? Yeah, right. I come back to God when i am in need, when i am hurting, but just so that He'll fix it. I was reading "Searching for God knows What" by Donald Miller, and he said that there are so many of us that tend to treat God moore like santa claus than the creater of the universe. As soon as something goes wrong or we need something, we turn around and ask him. But we were created for the sole purpose of worshiping Him. I always thought that was just something that sounded so selfish, but he's God, everything is about him. I just let my ego get in there and ask "what about me?"

I know that i need to just turn my life back over, take up my cross...and all of that, but i just can't seem to do it. I keep thinking back to the fact that there really has been no difference between right here in my life and all of the time that i spent following Christ's plan. Except maybe my attitude. Ohter than that, i was just as depressed. Just as miserable. But then again, i had someone to call on, to encourage me that it would be worth it. Is it anyway? I never really realized how self centered that i am. but oh boy am i.

There are days when it all makes so much sense, and i tell myself that i need to read my bible, i need to go back to church, that i need to let Christ take back my life. But at the end, i just rationalize. I don't have time to read my bible, i'll do it later. I don't belong at the only church i've ever known and i am too afraid to go anywhere else. I don't deserve for him to take it back...