i will greet this day with love in my heart...

2008-04-03T21:00:00.001-06:00

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

--Kate Nash

2008-03-16T20:17:00.004-06:00

my heart is heavy
my feet are tired
my eyes can no longer
see the light
i can't go on
not like this
stop the pain
stop the way
i feel so unworthy
of love at all
of companionship
and of trust
i just wish
i could find
an outstreched arm
to take me in
to give me rest
to dry my tears
to take my weary soul
and make it new
when did you
become a stranger
i used to know you
you used to care
i used to believe
all things were possible
not with out costs
not with out sacrifice
my soul shall sufice
i have nothing else
nothing to give
nothing to do
no where to go
no one to care.

2008-02-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

"God's plan is not always efficiency. Sometimes it's to kind of wreck your life, in a way that's redemptive, in a way that shows you your need for Him."

This quote was put up by a friend...i keep reading it over and over, not wanting to see the truth in it. but i find it really hard to do...

I think that is exactly where i am at right now. i really don't like life. but i really don't want to do anything about it. Except complain. And maybe find someone to blame...

I just keep saying that i will put forth more effort. but i don't. i say that i will change somethings about the way i act. but i don't. i guess i don't really know what i need, but i don't even bother to look.

i know what i need to do. i need to turn back to the arms that are always outstreched, whether i deserve it or not. but i just can't do it. maybe i'm too proud. maybe i am embarrassed at what i have become. but i think i need to realize that it doesn't even matter. He expected me to screw up. Not so that he could reject me, but rather, for the very opposite. So that he could take me back again. So that i could once again feel the unconditional love that i can find no where else.

Sounds easy? Yeah, right. I come back to God when i am in need, when i am hurting, but just so that He'll fix it. I was reading "Searching for God knows What" by Donald Miller, and he said that there are so many of us that tend to treat God moore like santa claus than the creater of the universe. As soon as something goes wrong or we need something, we turn around and ask him. But we were created for the sole purpose of worshiping Him. I always thought that was just something that sounded so selfish, but he's God, everything is about him. I just let my ego get in there and ask "what about me?"

I know that i need to just turn my life back over, take up my cross...and all of that, but i just can't seem to do it. I keep thinking back to the fact that there really has been no difference between right here in my life and all of the time that i spent following Christ's plan. Except maybe my attitude. Ohter than that, i was just as depressed. Just as miserable. But then again, i had someone to call on, to encourage me that it would be worth it. Is it anyway? I never really realized how self centered that i am. but oh boy am i.

There are days when it all makes so much sense, and i tell myself that i need to read my bible, i need to go back to church, that i need to let Christ take back my life. But at the end, i just rationalize. I don't have time to read my bible, i'll do it later. I don't belong at the only church i've ever known and i am too afraid to go anywhere else. I don't deserve for him to take it back...

love is patient...

2008-01-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

i feel...cold. i feel...hurt. i feel...nothing.

what happened to me? what happened to you? where in all of this did it turn in to a game? who cares who wins? who cares who gives in first? who really cares at all.

i ache for the person i used to be. i want to be her again. i want you to be who you used to be too. i want you to love me for me again. what did i do wrong? did i change that much that you don't even see me anymore? it isn't supposed to hurt this much..."Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense..." this isn't love. this is stubborn pride. i long for you to love me...and for me to be able to look past myself and love you. but i don't know how to...

i guess i thought i changed for the better, that i changed into the person i was supposed to be...but it couldn't be this...i feel like i am wandering around in the dark. alone. so very alone. i used to feel your touch. i used to feel your embrace. but now all i feel is the void. the endless void. but what do i do? i need direction. i need something to matter for me. most of all, i just need a friend. but i just can't find one. i'm not a very good friend though, so what should i expect. not much i guess...

i guess i need to keep going...keep looking...because this cannot be the end. i can still hope...

but at the end of the day, the truth still remains...sometimes all you need is a hug. and as a cold, constant reminder, it is just really a heart breaker when no one is there to give one...

"There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.” 1st Corinthians 13:4

give me...?

2007-11-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

i swear, that woman thinks we are all the worst people on the earth. "all you people care about is give me, give me, give me." whatever. i'm sure you must be the most giving person on the planet. or actually a far cry from it. "well, it you cared enough, you do this. or this. or that. too bad you don't." or "i wish you would just do something right. i always have to fix what you screw up." yeah right. you don't. give me a break. "i have to deal with them all the time." i never asked you to "deal" with me. i asked you to just leave me alone. you aren't a princess. you aren't. you find me so selfish for deciding to do something for myself...then what would you call yourself. whatever.

jealousy consumes me...

2007-11-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

i hate feeling like this. i hate the way it tears me up. i hate that i can't just be okay at this moment. i hate that i can't decide to get over it.

i am so tired of getting jealous over every new engagement announced. i hate the way i have to look at all of the pictures, like i gain some sort of sick pleasure out of feeling so sorry for myself, knowing that it's something that is out of reach for me.

i have been bothered by that for so long. i have been so consumed by the desire and the need for that security. it truly tears me apart. i just don't think it is taken seriously. i mean, it isn't a crazy fetish. it's a real need that i have. i just wish i would know when it will be filled.

i have been set aside for later so many times, and i think i will eventually disappear. i have been so ignored that i'm beginning to wonder if i will ever be seen. i just want to be rescued and i just want to be saved.

i always seem to feel so alone and so incomplete. unless i'm with you. but you just don't seem to see that. you just don't seem to understand that it's real. i have so many dreams that you leave me, or i lose you, or that i search for you and i never find you. have i really found you though? or is it just an allusion? i begin to wonder. i guess i just don't see the fear in spending everyday at your side. i just doesn't see what could possibly chase you away. i hate every minute that i have to miss you. i don't want to have to miss you. i just wish you would show me that you feel the same...or do you. i wonder. it hurts me...

i hate having to endure hearing about you living your life...without me in it. it hurts so much. it shouldn't, i should just tell you to have fun and trust that you will and that at the end, you will still be mine. but i just can't do it. i just torture myself about not being there, not being with you...

i wish you could show me a little bit of commitment. i wish you would offer a word of a promise that you will always be by my side...or will you? maybe i'm crazy. but then again, maybe i'm not...maybe i'm normal. maybe it isn't that outrageous of a request in the end...just maybe....

her smile

2007-11-15T21:32:00.001-07:00

i should be writing a paper. currently, it doesn't interest me in the least. it can wait, right?

i was browsing a blog from a good friend, or she was anyway. my first friend, i don't know what we are anymore...i try and i try, but i just never succeed. story of my life.

anyway, i was thinking about how i have been so depressed over the last few months. from not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to go to school or work, or just not wanting it get dressed...and i am so tired of it. i just wanna be done. really. once and for all. but i don't truly believe i have that power. but do i? i really wonder sometimes. really.

it is just so hard to get over something and to move on with life when there are those around that never will. and i know it sounds selfish and apathetic, but i have cared for so long. there is only so many "i'm sorry's" that can be truly heart felt. and i will not be a hypocrite. i will not.

i will break if i do not try to live my life. i am tired of living my life thru someone else's eyes, and trying to be certain to do exactly what you want me to do. i can't do it anymore. i'm just too tired to do it. what do i look like to me?

you weren't there and so you can't tell me that i don't know. you don't know. i left crying too many times to want to go back. it just hurt too much. but i can't dwell in it forever. neither can you. she wouldn't want you too. i caused him so much pain anyway. i am proud to have her smile and i want to wear it, i just don't feel like i have a reason to. i just don't feel a reason to laugh either. that breaks my heart. i miss being carefree. i miss being happy. what happened to change that? how did i change? i just wish i knew...and that i knew the way back. i hate feeling so partial and so broken. when did my heart go missin...

love

2007-11-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need; by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath.
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in his hand Who saith,
“A whole I planned, Youth shows but half;
trust God: see all, nor be afraid!''

-Robert Browning

i am just so tired.

2007-11-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

i am so tired of discontentment. i am so tired of waiting for life to start. i am so tired of feeling like no one cares to listen. i am so tired of wishing for a fresh start that i can never have. i am so tired of feeling so lonely. i am so tired of the fact that i have become a statistic. i am so tired of being nothing special. i am so tired of having the world at my feet and not even realizing it. i am tired of knowing you have given me the world but feeling like it isn't quite enough. i am so tired of not buying into what you have to say after i have watched you destroy so much. i am so tired of being filled with hate at you and at my situation, as if i have anything to complain about. And i want nothing more than to change my attitude and to change my outlook..."Henceforth will i look on all things with love and i will be born again...I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet i will endure sadness for it opens my soul...never will i allow my heart to become small and bitter, rather i . will share it and it will grow and warm the earth. I will greet this day with love in my heart." -OG Mandino