give me...?

i swear, that woman thinks we are all the worst people on the earth. "all you people care about is give me, give me, give me." whatever. i'm sure you must be the most giving person on the planet. or actually a far cry from it. "well, it you cared enough, you do this. or this. or that. too bad you don't." or "i wish you would just do something right. i always have to fix what you screw up." yeah right. you don't. give me a break. "i have to deal with them all the time." i never asked you to "deal" with me. i asked you to just leave me alone. you aren't a princess. you aren't. you find me so selfish for deciding to do something for myself...then what would you call yourself. whatever.

jealousy consumes me...

i hate feeling like this. i hate the way it tears me up. i hate that i can't just be okay at this moment. i hate that i can't decide to get over it.

i am so tired of getting jealous over every new engagement announced. i hate the way i have to look at all of the pictures, like i gain some sort of sick pleasure out of feeling so sorry for myself, knowing that it's something that is out of reach for me.

i have been bothered by that for so long. i have been so consumed by the desire and the need for that security. it truly tears me apart. i just don't think it is taken seriously. i mean, it isn't a crazy fetish. it's a real need that i have. i just wish i would know when it will be filled.

i have been set aside for later so many times, and i think i will eventually disappear. i have been so ignored that i'm beginning to wonder if i will ever be seen. i just want to be rescued and i just want to be saved.

i always seem to feel so alone and so incomplete. unless i'm with you. but you just don't seem to see that. you just don't seem to understand that it's real. i have so many dreams that you leave me, or i lose you, or that i search for you and i never find you. have i really found you though? or is it just an allusion? i begin to wonder. i guess i just don't see the fear in spending everyday at your side. i just doesn't see what could possibly chase you away. i hate every minute that i have to miss you. i don't want to have to miss you. i just wish you would show me that you feel the same...or do you. i wonder. it hurts me...

i hate having to endure hearing about you living your life...without me in it. it hurts so much. it shouldn't, i should just tell you to have fun and trust that you will and that at the end, you will still be mine. but i just can't do it. i just torture myself about not being there, not being with you...

i wish you could show me a little bit of commitment. i wish you would offer a word of a promise that you will always be by my side...or will you? maybe i'm crazy. but then again, maybe i'm not...maybe i'm normal. maybe it isn't that outrageous of a request in the end...just maybe....

her smile

i should be writing a paper. currently, it doesn't interest me in the least. it can wait, right?

i was browsing a blog from a good friend, or she was anyway. my first friend, i don't know what we are anymore...i try and i try, but i just never succeed. story of my life.

anyway, i was thinking about how i have been so depressed over the last few months. from not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to go to school or work, or just not wanting it get dressed...and i am so tired of it. i just wanna be done. really. once and for all. but i don't truly believe i have that power. but do i? i really wonder sometimes. really.

it is just so hard to get over something and to move on with life when there are those around that never will. and i know it sounds selfish and apathetic, but i have cared for so long. there is only so many "i'm sorry's" that can be truly heart felt. and i will not be a hypocrite. i will not.

i will break if i do not try to live my life. i am tired of living my life thru someone else's eyes, and trying to be certain to do exactly what you want me to do. i can't do it anymore. i'm just too tired to do it. what do i look like to me?

you weren't there and so you can't tell me that i don't know. you don't know. i left crying too many times to want to go back. it just hurt too much. but i can't dwell in it forever. neither can you. she wouldn't want you too. i caused him so much pain anyway. i am proud to have her smile and i want to wear it, i just don't feel like i have a reason to. i just don't feel a reason to laugh either. that breaks my heart. i miss being carefree. i miss being happy. what happened to change that? how did i change? i just wish i knew...and that i knew the way back. i hate feeling so partial and so broken. when did my heart go missin...

love

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need; by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath.
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in his hand Who saith,
“A whole I planned, Youth shows but half;
trust God: see all, nor be afraid!''

-Robert Browning

i am just so tired.

i am so tired of discontentment. i am so tired of waiting for life to start. i am so tired of feeling like no one cares to listen. i am so tired of wishing for a fresh start that i can never have. i am so tired of feeling so lonely. i am so tired of the fact that i have become a statistic. i am so tired of being nothing special. i am so tired of having the world at my feet and not even realizing it. i am tired of knowing you have given me the world but feeling like it isn't quite enough. i am so tired of not buying into what you have to say after i have watched you destroy so much. i am so tired of being filled with hate at you and at my situation, as if i have anything to complain about. And i want nothing more than to change my attitude and to change my outlook..."Henceforth will i look on all things with love and i will be born again...I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet i will endure sadness for it opens my soul...never will i allow my heart to become small and bitter, rather i . will share it and it will grow and warm the earth. I will greet this day with love in my heart." -OG Mandino